88 rules for a peaceful Hogwarts experience
by AnimeFanBree
Summary: If I had gone to Hogwarts, these are the rules that might of been.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I don't own it.

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88 rules for a peacefull Hogwarts experience.

1. Snape is not Count Dooku.

2. Voldemort is not Palpatine.

3. Harry is not Anakin and is not "going over to the dark side."

4. Magic is not "The Force."

5. I must stop making Star Wars references because only the muggleborns get them.

-No, this does not mean that I can introduce the rest of the school to Star Wars.

6. The Weasely twins are not "Clone A and Clone B."

- Neither are the Patil twins.

- Even if I can make an argument that identical twins are natural clones.

7. The Weasely twins proper names are Fred and George, not Gred and Forge and I shouldn't encourage them.

8. Telling first years the pumpkin juice is what happens when someone gets sick from to much pumpkin pie is wrong.

9. I'm not allowed to pay Seamus Finnegan to run through the Great Hall in a leprechaun outfit, holding a box a cereal, yelling "They're after me Lucky Charms!"

- Especially if I pay first years to chase him.

10. Anything Fred and George think is a good idea will probably result in detention.

11. Gryffindoors are not "The most likely to die tragic, messy deaths."

12. Hufflepuffs are not pushovers and therefore I should not push them in order to prove it.

13. Slytherins are not "The Future Death Eaters of Great Britain."

14. Ravenclaws are not too smart for their own good and I should not stop them from learning.

15. The Fat Lady is not Miss Piggy, Neville's toad, Trevor, is not Kermit the frog and it is wrong to try to set the two up on a date.

16. Madame Pomfrey is a nurse, not a drug dealer.

17. I may not raid the kitchens in preparation for the "Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse."

18. I mat not stockpile weapons under my bed in preparation for the "Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse."

19. I may not write up a Hogwarts Emergency plan for the "Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse."

20. I may not pass out pamphlets with details about the "Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse."

21. I may not tell people that Harry didn't survive the killing curse and is in fact a Zombie.

22. I can not make a list of those most likely to die first when the "Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse" strikes.

23. I can not make a list of those most likely to survive the "Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse."

24. There is no "Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse."

25. The Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy is not required reading for astronomy class.

26. No it should not be.

27. Centaurs are not from Mars.

28. Voldemort is not Orochimaru.

-Or Orochimort

- Or Voldemaru.

29. Lucius Malfoy is not Kabuto.

30. I can not give manga to the non-muggleborn students telling them to "Read it or die."

31. The following words are not to be spoken near Draco Malfoy: Pimp cane, pimp hat, pimp cape, hillbilly, hick, inbred and Mad-eye Moody.

32. The word hick is not to used near any pureblood student.

33. There is no gold under the womping willow and it is wrong to tell first years that there is.

34. It is wrong to give canary creams to Neville's toad, Mrs. Norris, Crookshanks, or any other animal.

35. Not allowed to insult Quiddicth near Oliver Wood, Cedric Diggory, or any member of a house team.

36. I am no allowed to question the headmaster's sanity near the press.

37. Not allowed to plan the DADA teacher's funereal before their death.

38. Not allowed to skip class in order to deliver the one ring to Mordor.

39. Not allowed to trade my soul in exchange for a free pass from detention with Snape.

40. Not allowed to trade other people's souls for a free pass from detention with Snape.

41. Despite my claims Snape is not a demon and therefore has no interest in souls.

42. The answer to all of life's mysteries is not 42.

43. The house elves do not steal my socks.

- nor anyone else's.

44. House elves are not "What happen to first years that don't obey the rules" and it is wrong to tell the first years this.

45. Not allowed to make jokes about house elves near Hermione.

46. Parakeets can not be used to deliver the post.

47. Trying to get the victims of canary creams to deliver letters is wrong.

48. Running down the hallway wearing only my underwear, polyjuiced to look like Harry, and covered in fake blood while screaming "Help me! Help me! I just escaped from Snape's dungeon!" is frowned upon.

49. When I stare at my hands and look like I'm thinking very hard about something, no one is to ask me what I'm thinking about.

50. Snape is not a vampire.

51. Cedric Diggory is not a vampire.

52. I am not allowed to use first years as taste testers just in case someone poisoned my food.

53. Just because his name is a letter off from Snipe, I am not allowed to send first years on a Snape Hunt.

54. Snipe hunts in the forbidden forest is stupid and dangerous.

55. Blaise Zambini is not from Zimbabwe and I cannot make up a song about him.

56. While I can eat blood pops if I want to, I may not offer them to Snape or Cedric,

- or anyone else, especially first years that don't know what they are.

57. I am not to forge letter to Mrs. Weasely telling her that Ginny in pregnant.

- nor am I allowed to send her a letter saying that one of the twins got someone pregnant, no one knows which one it was, so they're looking into a three way marriage.

58. I am not allowed to steal bookmarks from the Ravenclaws.

59. I may not get Ravenclaws to do things for me by threatening to burn down the library.

60. I may not make a list of thing to do to the Dursley's on Harry's behalf once I come of age.

61. I may not tell the Dursley's that Harry's Godfather is an escaped mass murderer that loves Harry very much, or that his Godfather's best friend is a werewolf.

62. I am not allowed to breed the giant squid with jellyfish in order to create a tentacruel.

- nor may I breed any magical creature with anything else in order to create Pokemon.

63. I may not collect hundreds of snails and force them to crawl though the school.

64. The Slytherin dorms are not "The Den of Evil."

65. I may not flood the Slytherin common room and fill it with Japanese carp just so I can call it "The Koi Pond."

66. Telling Professor Lupin to "Bite Me" is wrong.

67. Not allowed to stare at Neville from long periods of time, then ask incredulously "How did you become a Gryfinndoor?

68. Not allowed to announce when Harry enters the Great Hall.

69. Not allowed to enter the Ravenclaw common room, even if I can answer the portrait's question.

70. Not allowed to be a sports commentator for Ron and Hermione's arguments.

71. Harry doesn't need a theme song.

72. Madame Pomfrey does not have medical marijuana.

73. The theory of gravity cannot be disproved.

74. Not allowed to question Draco's gender in front of the press.

75. Crabbe and Goyle may be the results of inbreeding, but I am not to tell them this.

76. Not allowed draw Satanic symbols on the walls.

77. Divination does not require that I sacrifice a goat.

78. Not allowed to predict that Harry will defeat the dark lord, only to be killed by Neville's toad the next day.

79. Neville's toad is not the next dark lord and I am not one of his loyal "Fly Eaters."

79. Not allowed to unionize the Death Eaters.

80. Not allowed to unionize the house elves.

81. Not allowed to unionized the students.

82. Not allowed to unionize, ever.

83. Professor McGonagall does not want cat nip for Christmas.

84. Marijuana is not cat nip.

85. Not allowed to sell Harry's underwear.

86. Not allowed to trade first years to other schools.

87. Not allowed to trade teachers to other schools.

88. Not allowed to contact other schools.

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Well, that's all. Tell me what you think.


	2. Chapter 2

88 rules for a peaceful Hogwarts experience continued.

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Disclaimer: If you recognize it, I don't own it.

Thanks to GailFail, Nobody Understands, and MidnightSapphire15 for reviewing.

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89. Not allowed to cross dress in front of the media.

90. Not allowed to encourage others to cross dress in front of the media.

91. If I get a nosebleed in class I am to go to the hospital wing, not use the blood to draw runes on my arms, or use it as a potion ingredient.

92. There is no casual Friday and even if there was I wouldn't be allowed to wear a hula skirt.

93. Filling the Great Hall with balloons is a bad idea.

- especially right before the post is supposed to come.

94. I am no allowed to refer to a floo call as a "Demonic Summoning ritual."

95. Food is not a toy.

96. Chickens are flightless and therefore cannot deliver the post.

- even if they can run really fast.

97. I am not to write letters to the Minister of Magic in order to tell him exactly where he should stick his wand.

98. I am not allowed to organize a house elf strike.

99. I am not allowed to organize a Death Eater strike.

100. I am not allowed to organize a student strike.

101. No strikes.

102. Voldemort is not a pimp. The Death Eaters are not his ho's.

103. Voldemort is not a Rapper. The Death Eaters are not his posse.

104. Hogwarts is not training students to become Dumbledore's mindless soldiers and I should not say this in front of Aurors.

105. Not allowed to auction first years to other houses.

106. Sirius Black is not an appropriate role model.

-neither is James Potter.

107. My cat does not want Professor Snape to come tuck her in at night.

109. I am not to mention how skinny Harry is in front of Madame Pomfrey, any house elf, or Mrs. Weasely.

110. Not allowed to run down the hall screaming "It burns!" just because my clothes itch.

112. My wand is not a back scratcher.

- neither is Harry's broom.

113. Not allowed to demand that the house elves change laundry detergents, because I'm allergic.

114. Not allowed to do a touchdown dance when Madame Pomfrey confirms that I am allergic to the laundry detergent.

115. Not allowed to go on a hunger strike until Maryland Style Crab Cakes are served at dinner.

116. Errol is not a turkey and Hogwarts doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving anyway.

117. I am not to point out that Dumbledore's name has the word dumb in it.

118. Hogwarts does not need a crocodile filled moat and I am not to suggest this to Hagrid.

119. No one wants to know how I know how flammable certain objects are.

120. I am not allowed to tell people about the time I lit my pants on fire.

121. I am not allowed to light my special candles with the colored flames in the common room because when the glass holder gets too hot it explodes.

- especially not if I'm lighting them to watch them explode.

122. I am not allowed to transfigure Ron's clothes into spiders.

- especially while he's wearing them.

123. My cat is not my pimp.

- even it is does smack me in the face to wake me up.

124. Not allowed to sneak into the Slytherin common room and take things.

- nor can I sneak into the Slytherin common room and leave things.

125. Not allowed to stare at Draco Malfoy, laugh manically, then walk away.

126. Not allowed to start a paint balloon war in the Great Hall.

127. "The Night Santa Went Crazy" is not an appropriate Christmas carol.

128. Not allowed to leave class early because I left the stove on.

- not allowed to have a stove in my dorm.

129. Not allowed to draw runes on the faces of students who fall asleep during History of Magic.

130. History of Magic is not naptime.

131. I am not allowed to give the Weasely twins "ideas."

132. The Weasely twins are not allowed to give me "ideas."

133. The Weasely twins are not "Thing One and Thing Two."

134. When Hermione answers a question, not allowed to say "Very good, now let's hear it in your own words."

135. Naked bonfire dances are not an appropriate way to celebrate Halloween.

- or Christmas.

- or any other Holiday.

136. Not allowed to sing "Na Na Na (Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na)" by My Chemical Romance in the Great Hall while dancing on a table.

- or while sitting in Harry's lap.

- or at all.

137. I may not reformat the rules in a checklist, make copies, then hand them out.

138. Not allowed to questioned Harry's sanity in front of the press.

139. Not allowed to drink four bottles of PowerAde, two bottles of Mountain Dew, and a glass of Firewhisky, "just to see what would happen."

140. My cat is not my emergency contact.

141. It is not possible to go into "Electronic Device Withdrawal."

142. Not allowed to Frebreez people after Quidditch.

- especially if they're not on the team.

143. Food is not an artistic medium.

144. Not allowed to tell wizard born horror stories about the atomic bomb.

145. I have never fought in a war.

146. First years are not Oompa Loompas.

147. House elves are not related to the Ood.

148. Hermione is not the founder of "Friends of the Ood."

149. Not allowed to build a TARDIS out of time turners are port keys.

150. Not allowed to slap Draco.

- no, no one had to do it.

151. Not allowed to draw bull's-eyes on Harry while he's sleeping.

152. Lucious Malfoy's pimp cane is not "compensating for something."

153. Lucious Malfoy's cane is just a cane.

154. I cannot speak without pronouncing vowels.

155. I cannot give people pyromania by licking them.

- pyromania is not contagious.

- I am to keep my pyromania to myself.

156. Not allowed to send Howlers to Ministry officials.

157. Not allowed to start the wave in the great hall.

158. Not allowed to set my robes on fire to get out of potions.

- nor am I allowed to set my partners robes on fire to get out of potions.

- or my textbook.

159. My cat is not a hat and should not put her on my head.

- or anyone else's.

160. Not allowed to set things on fire in potions class "just for the hell of it."

161. The space under my bed is not "Catland."

162. My cat is not the Queen of Catland.

163. I am not the Prime Minister of Catland.

164. Quidditch is not football and I cannot demand a flag on the play.

165. I cannot bowl in the hallways using a bludger as the ball and any passing student as pins.

166. I cannot cheer for the bludgers during Quidditch games.

167. Draco is not "A fuzzy ball of hate."

168. The Order of the Phoenix is not "A merry band of idiots."

169. I do not know the true meaning of misery and woe, and even if I did I would not be allowed to show it to Draco.

170. I am not the Professor of Panic or the Mistress of Mayhem.

171. I am not allowed to blackmail students.

172. I am not allowed to blackmail teachers.

173. I am not allowed to blackmail ministry officials.

174. I may not poke Harry in the forehead and call him my "Foolish Little Brother."

175. Harry is not Sasuke Uchiha.

175. Ron is not Naruto Uzumaki.

- no matter how similar their eating habits are.

176. Hermione is not Sakura Haruno.

- no matter how smart they both are.

177. Not allowed to replace the Ravenclaws bookmarks with fruit by the foot.

178. Harry is not "The-boy-that-won't-effing-die."

179. Voldemort is not "He-who-cannot-kill-an-infant."

180. Bellatrix Lestrange is not an appropriate role model.

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I might add more later. Review please.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own, so don't sue.

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Thanks to all my reviewers, you are the reason I update.

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This ones a bit shorter than the others, but I wanted to get it out.

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181. Snape is not a "fun killer."

182. Not allowed to start a betting pool based on "Who's going commando under their robes."

183. Not allowed to bribe people to go commando in order to win a bet.

184. Not allowed to go commando so someone else can win a bet.

185. Not allowed to steal the sorting hat because I got bored and had nobody to talk to. (from DeathsDaughterDanielle)

186. Dumbledore is not "Taking us all to hell in a hand basket."

187. Not allowed to leave Divination class early because "I just predicted my own death and would like to enjoy the time I have left."

188. Not allowed to fake my own death.

189. Not allowed to ask others to help me fake my death.

190. Not allowed to remind people to "spay or neuter their first years."

191. "When you fail, burn all evidence that you even tried" is not the Hogwarts motto.

192. Hogsmade is not Narnia.

193. Not allowed to dissect chocolate frogs.

194. Hogwarts does not need a "This many days since Harry has almost died" sign.

195. No allowed to sneak up on people a yell "Blarrgh!"

196. Not allowed to sell Luna information about Vespiforms, Daleks, Time Lords, Cybermen, or Weeping Angels.

197. Hogwarts is not infested with Vasta Nerada.

198. Not allowed to sit in Dumbledore's lap and read him my Christmas list.

- even if he finds it amusing.

199. "I was dead at the time" is not an excuse for missing class.

200. Not allowed to use a sticking charm on Harry's hair just because it bothers me.

201. Ten gallons of hair gel is not an appropriate Christmas gift.

202. Not allowed to cover myself in hair gel and claim the one of the ghosts slimed me.

203. Not allowed to exclaim "Die you bastards! Die!" when chopping potions ingredients.

204. Potions is not "Over glorified Cooking."

205. Not allowed to start a food fight.

- especially not during Potions class.

206. I am not allowed to reenact the civil war in the Great Hall.

207. Not allowed to teach the house elves to Caramelldansen during mealtimes.

208. I do not have a "Holy Hand Grenade."

- I am not allowed to make one.

209. Not allowed to sneak hallucinogens into the food.

210. Wizards are not "Poor technologically backwards saps."

211. Not allowed to refuse to go to the hospital wing because "It's so medieval that they still use leeches up there."

212. Not allowed to tell people about nose leeches.

213. Not allowed to refer to Aurors as rent-a-cops.

214. Yelling "Kill each other!" is not the proper way to break up a fight between houses.

213. The school does not have a self destruct button and I should stop looking.

215. Not allowed to "Zombie- proof" Hogsmade.

216. Not allowed to use necromancy to jumpstart the "Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse."

217. I am once again reminded of rule number 24.

- even if it is more of a statement.

218. Not allowed to steal Harry's invisibility cloak and whisper "Seven Days" to Draco.

- not allowed to whisper anything to Draco.

219. Not allowed to spray paint graffiti on the wall to "brighten things up."

220. There are no spells in pig Latin.

- I am not allowed to invent spells in pig Latin.

221. Not allowed to tell Hermione "My God, you could turn Mother Theresa into an axe murderer" when she gets into one of her long winded rants.

222. Not allowed to follow Colin Creevy around with my camera "Just to see how he likes it."

223. Not allowed to follow Colin around with an axe in order to "Stop him from taking anymore of those bloody pictures."

224. Now allowed to shove my photography awards in Colin's face.

225. The members of the paparazzi do not need to be "strung up by their entrails" or "publicly whipped."

226. Trevor is not a hypno-toad.

227. The words "I bet you can't…" are not a challenge.

228. Not allowed to begin a sentence with "Just because you don't have morals."

229. Not allowed to say "God, I hope you don't reproduce" to those who I find annoying.

230. Not allowed to make sure those who annoy me will not be able to reproduce.

231. Harry is not a child of Zeus and cannot smite anyone for me.

232. Not allowed to lick my wand suggestively.

233. Not allowed to greet new students by saying "Welcome to hell. There is no escape. Muahahahahaha!"

234. Not allowed to explain what a pimp is to first years.

235. Not allowed to declare martial law.

236. Hogwarts does not need a suggestion box.

237. Not allowed to grade the teachers.

238. When participating in Professor Lupin's boggart lesson I am not to shout "Kill it! Kill it dead!"

-even if it is kind of the whole point.

239. When a teacher asks me to do something I am not to exclaim "You're not my real Mom!"

240. When Snape asks a question I am not to burst into tears.

241. Not allowed to make a flying Delorean.

242. The first years are not my "Legions of Doom."

243. Cannot take a the full moon off for "Religious Reasons."

244. Detention is not "A violation of my rights."

245. Not allowed to steal Harry's broom for a "Joyride."

246. Not allowed to steal anyone's broom for a "Joyride."

- especially before a Quidditch game.

247. Just because Draco's father bought his house team new brooms and he was subsequently made Seeker does not make him "A talent less Daddy's boy."

248. Not allowed to do the Macarena in front of the staff table.

249. Not allowed to turn in assignment signed "Bree, your Future Overlord."

250. First years are not "like slinkys."

251. None of the ghost are out to get me.

- except Peeves, but he's out to get everyone.

252. Not allowed to put street signs in the halls to make the school easier to navigate.

253. Not allowed to release frogs in the Gryffindor common room because "Trevor needs some friends."

254. Ministry officials are not Fascists.

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Regarding rules 222-225. I am a photographer. I photograph plants and animals from artistic purposes. I have only taken two pictures of a person without their knowledge and I didn't use them even though they were very artsy shots because I felt guilty. People who take pictures of people without permission for the purpose of financial gain, public humiliation, or just because they're annoying fans do not deserve the wonderful invention that is the camera.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Bree is mine. The other character's belong to Rowling.**

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**110. Not allowed to run down the hall screaming "It burns!" just because my clothes itch.**

**112. My wand is not a back scratcher.**

**- neither is Harry's broom.**

**113. Not allowed to demand that the house elves change laundry detergents, because I'm allergic.**

**114. Not allowed to do a touchdown dance when Madame Pomfrey confirms that I am allergic to the laundry detergent.**

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Another school year had begun at Hogwarts, and of the new Gryffindor first years two students stood out. One was Harry Potter, the Boy-who-lived and recently the youngest Seeker of the century. The other was Bree Smith. A muggleborn whose family had recently moved to England from America. She stood out because of her accent and because she always appeared to be itchy.

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The peace and quiet of the morning was ruined when Bree, a usually somewhat reserved student, ran through the halls screaming "It burns!" while scratching at her arms. This went on for ten minutes before Professor Snape stopped her, he found out that the reason for her distress was that her robes were too itchy. He promptly gave her a week of detention and told her to "Get used to it."

The next morning Hermione found Bree sitting on the edge of her bed, scratching her back with her wand.

"Bree! Stop that. Misusing your wand can be dangerous." Hermione scolded.

"Oh come on Hermione, nothing has happened." The blond girl responded without ceasing her actions.

"Your shirt is changing color." The bushy haired girl pointed out.

Bree looked down at her shirt, which had just changed from green to yellow, then on to pink. "Yes, yes it is. Want me to do yours?" she asked innocently.

Hermione just sighed in exasperation and walked away.

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Later in the day, Bree, who had been prohibited from using her wand and a back scratcher by Professor McGonagall, was in the common room using Harry's Nimbus Two Thousand to scratch her back, when the Weasely twins walked in.

"Oi. You're the American" said the first twin. Bree couldn't tell them apart.

"Bree right?" inquired the second.

"Yeah." Bree answered quietly.

"You shouldn't be doing that." stated twin one as he grabbed the broom from her.

"If someone on the Quidditch team catches you" began twin two.

"You're in for it." finished twin one.

"But you two are on the Quidditch team." Bree responded.

Both twins nodded. "Yeah but we aren't about to lecture"

"the innocent victim of a prank."

"What prank?" Bree asked, blue eyes blinking in confusion.

"Well," began twin one "it's obvious that someone has put itching powder in your clothes."

"So we'll find them and get them back for you. After all no one pranks our fellow Gryffindors." stated twin two.

"Except for us that is." Both twins said simultaneously.

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Despite the twins claim that she had been pranked, Bree was pretty sure that wasn't it. She realized that the problem was she was allergic the laundry soap. She figured this out because it had happened before, when her Mom had switched detergents. So she went off in search of the school laundry. That was where Professor McGonagall found her, arguing with the house elves. Bree was rather convinced that the detergent have given her a rash a wanted it changed. McGonagall escorted Bree to the hospital wing. Saying that the first year should have gone there first, before jumping to conclusions.

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It turned out the Bree was allergic to the detergent. Bree's clothes would have to be washed separately from the other students. The news had caused the girl to hop out of the hospital and do what she would later call a "touchdown dance" while chanting, "I was right!" Madame Pomfrey forced her back into bed. Everyone was happy that the problem had been solved, expect for the twins, they had wanted to prank someone.

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Not that funny, but allergys rarely are. Zombies on the other hand...

Review please.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I don't own, so don't sue.

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Thanks to all my reviewers, you are the reason I update.

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Number 63, from the first chapter, is something I have actually done. Only it was about thirty to fifty snails, down the sidewalk and up my friend's front step. Really, I forced all of the garden sails I could find to crawl half a block, when it would have been faster to carry them. But it was totally awesome to be in command of my own army… of snails. I've done some of the others too, but I'll just leave you to guess.

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255. Not allowed to let the twins watch anymore "Monty Python."

256. The fact that I have Viking ancestors does not authorize me to organize raiding parties on other houses.

257. Not allowed to throw first years into the lake in order "To appease the mighty Kraken."

- not even if they annoy me.

- the squid is not a Kraken.

- the squid can't introduce me to Davy Jones.

- the squid did not eat Captain Jack Sparrow.

258. Not allowed to teach the squid to attack people I don't like.

259. Not allowed to teach the house elves to belly dance.

260. Not allowed to belly dance during class.

261. Not allowed to hang fake skeletons from the trees by the lake "As a warning for the pirates."

262. Not allowed to release bats in the Gryffindor common room and laugh while my housemates freak out.

263. Just because I think lizards are cute doesn't mean my dormmates do.

264. When a first year asks me where a classroom is, not allowed it laugh at them because the room is on the other side of the school and they would have had to pass it to get where they are now.

265. When a Muggle Studies student asks me about air travel, not allowed to sing any of the three "United Breaks Guitars" songs by Dave Carroll.

267. "Come to the U.S.A" by Ray Stevens is never appropriate.

- No Ray Stevens songs.

268. Not allowed to research curse breaking and invisibility spells so I can "Remove the curse from the Hope Diamond and safely clean the damn thing, because the last time I saw it, it was covered in dust and it won't stop bothering me."

269. Just because the Muggle Studies teacher teaches her students about outdated muggle technology doesn't mean I can call her a "Moron who wouldn't be able to tell the difference between a PDA and a MP3, even if they were both labeled."

270. Cannot tell the Slytherins about the muggle military exploits to prove that "Muggles could totally kick your ass!"

271. Not allowed to duct tape Oliver Wood to his bed.

- even if the Quidditch team appreciated not having to get up to practice that morning, as it was raining.

272. I am not allowed to teach a class on the differences between American English and the "Freaky English you Brits use."

273. School morale would not be improved if we had jet skis.

274. Duct taping Errol to the wall is not the correct response to having him land in my breakfast and steal my bacon.

275. Duct taping Ron to the wall is not the correct response to having his family owl land in my breakfast and steal my bacon.

276. Not allowed to point and laugh when people call duct tape, duck tape.

277. Not allowed to wear a t-shirt that says "Silence is golden. Duct Tape is gray, so shut up or in the closet you'll stay."

278. Not allowed to say "Uh-oh", "Oops", or "Is the classroom equipped with a fire extinguisher" in potions, unless I, or another student have really messed up.

279. I can not carry around a fire extinguisher "Just in case."

- especially if the last part of the statement is "What I'm planning to do in Charms get's out of hand."

280. No one wants to know what I was planning to do in Charms.

- except from the Weasely twins and I'm not allowed to tell them.

281. I cannot "vote people off the island."

282. I cannot "Vote people onto an island."

- especially if the island is Azkaban.

283. I cannot "talk to God through a burning bush like Moses" so I should stop setting the plants in the greenhouse on fire.

- no this does not mean I can set the vegetation in the forbidden forest on fire.

284. The Forbidden Forest is not "Training Ground 44", "The Forest of Death", or "Anko's Playground."

285. Harry's scar is not a curse seal.

286. Not allowed to send an envelope full of baby power with a not saying "This is Anthrax, prepare to die." to the Dursley's.

- because it upsets the muggle government, that's why.

287. Not allowed to plant large amounts of fertilizer and the Dursley's and call in a terrorist threat.

288. I can punch people in the face if, and only if, I am in imminent danger of bodily harm, not because "it's a great way to relieve stress."

289. Not allowed to give out "Darwin awards."

290. Not allowed to give out "Here's your sign awards."

291. Not allowed to make "You might be a pureblood if…" jokes.

292. Not allowed to tell Harry that Moaning Myrtle watches him while he sleeps.

293. The fact that a teacher was hired after I began attending school does not give seniority over them.

294. The ceiling in the Great Hall is charmed to look like that. It's not because giants stole the roof and I'm not to tell first years that.

295. Not allowed to make voodoo dolls of people I don't like.

296. Not allowed to hex people to only be able to speak in lewd poetry.

297. No one wants to know why I had the electromagnet delivered, but I'm kindly informed that I'm not getting it back.

298. Not allowed to knock Draco out and put him in a dress.

299. Not allowed to steal from the supply closet.

300. Annoying people to not forfeit the right to breathe.

301. Not allowed to sing "Blue" by "The Birthday Massacre" in front of the first years.

- not allowed to sing anything by "The Birthday Massacre" in front of first years.

302. Not allowed to sing "A Gorey Demise" by Creature Feature in front of ministry officials.

303. "Aim for the Head" by Creature Feature is not the anthem of the survivors of the Zombie Apocalypse.

- I am once again reminded of rule 24.

304. "Santa Claus is Thumbing to Town" by Relient K is not an appropriate Christmas Carol.

- especially not in October.

305. Not allowed to traumatize first years with my taste in music.

306. "Woo Hoo! We're all going to die!" is not the proper response for any emergency situation.

307. Not allowed to tell people I don't like "When I die, I'm taking as many of you as I possibly can with me."

308. Borrowing without asking and with no intention of returning _is _stealing, and I would do well to remember it.

309. Not allowed to play "The Gum Game" in Hogsmade. (The gum game is where you go up to strangers and ask for gum. The one with the most pieces of gum at the end of the day wins.)

310. Not allowed to steal the Golden Snitch and turn it into a necklace.

* * *

Review please!


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I don't own, so don't sue.

* * *

Thanks to all my reviewers, you are the reason I update.

* * *

To Augustiflickan: No I haven't played the gum game. My friends did on a field trip. I was at the doctor that day. My friends told me about. The foreign exchange won. People felt sorry for the poor gum less German.

* * *

311. Just because I'm not a morning person, doesn't mean I can make the first years cry.

312. Not allowed to speak in Klingon.

313. I am not a ninja, and it is cheating.

314. Whatever is was I was thinking about during dinner last night, I'm not allowed to do it.

315. If murder is the question, yes is not the answer.

316. Not allowed to inflict stabbity death on anyone.

318. 8oz. cans of Mountain Dew are not "Caffeine Shots."

319. Not allowed to sing "Pray For You" by Jaron And The Long Road Love to the Slytherins. (I pray your brakes go out running down a hill/I pray a flowerpot falls from a window sill and knocks you in the head like I'd like to/I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls/I pray you're flying high when your engine stalls/I pray all your dreams never come true/Just know wherever you are honey, I pray for you)

320. Not allowed to talk to myself in hallways to scare people.

321. Not allowed to stay awake for two days as it causes me to hallucinate.

322. Not allowed to sing "I Could Kick Your Ass" by Justin Moore to Draco.

- even I could.

323. Not allowed to sing "My Revenge On The World" by Ayria when summoned to Umbridge's office.

- because it scares people, that's why.

324. Not allowed to release three German Sheppards that only listen to me into Umbridge's office.

325. Not allowed to replace Umbridge's kitten plates with toad plates.

326. Taking hostages during the tri- wizard cup achieves nothing.

327. Not allowed to play paintball in the school.

328. Not allowed to use the summoning charm on the owls so that they'll deliver the post faster.

329. I can not speak without pronouncing consonants.

330. Not allowed to change my cats name every ten seconds.

- because it makes it hard for anyone to follow what I'm talking about.

331. The prefects find it offensive when I call the "Over glorified hall monitors."

332. Not allowed to tell first years that Draco will give them candy if they hug him.

333. Cats, owls, toads, and rats are appropriate animals to bring to school. 8 ½ foot long red tailed boas are not.

334. If asked about the U.S military I am not to exclaim "Join the Army! Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them."

335. Just because knowledge is power, and power corrupts does not mean that the Ravenclaws are evil.

336. Geese are not to used to deliver the post.

-especially the mean ones that bite.

377. "To cause widespread chaos and panic through the liberal use of flying simians" is not a goal for the future.

378. I am to introduce myself as "Eris, Goddess of Chaos and Discord."

- nor am I allowed to give out cursed apples.

- nor am I to shout "Chaos!"

379. The Ravenclaws are not "The Geek Squad."

-nor are they "The Nerd Herd."

380. Not allowed to start rumors that cast doubt on Draco's true parentage

* * *

Reviews make the author happy. Please give the author some happy.


	7. Zombies

Disclaimer: The list and Bree are mine. Everything else is not.

* * *

17. I may not raid the kitchens in preparation for the "Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse."

18. I mat not stockpile weapons under my bed in preparation for the "Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse."

19. I may not write up a Hogwarts Emergency plan for the "Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse."

20. I may not pass out pamphlets with details about the "Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse."

21. I may not tell people that Harry didn't survive the killing curse and is in fact a Zombie.

22. I can not make a list of those most likely to die first when the "Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse" strikes.

23. I can not make a list of those most likely to survive the "Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse."

24. There is no "Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse."

* * *

It was now Bree's third year at Hogwarts and before coming to school that year she had made the mistake of watching a zombie horror flick and was now rather… shall we say, obsessed. Granted, no one in her house noticed her odd behavior because she was already rather odd in the first place. At least, no one noticed right away.

* * *

It was mid-October, everyone was looking forward to the Halloween festivities, though there was a slight tension in the air due to the escape of Sirius Black, along with some confusion because some of the suits of armor were missing there weapons.

In the Gryffindor girl's dorm Hermione wasn't thinking about any of that. This was because she had woken up after nearly suffocating under a furry body, at first she thought it was her cat, Crookshanks. Then she realized it was too small to be Crookshanks and was if fact Bree's cat, Muffin. She picked the small feline up and stomped over to Bree's bed. The blond was fast asleep. She put Muffin on the bed then shook Bree awake.

"Wha? Hermione. What is it?" the still half asleep girl muttered.

"Your cat tried to kill me." Hermione stated.

"What?" Bree asked incredulously.

"She came over to my bed a decided to sleep on my _face_!" Hermione exclaimed.

Bree rolled her eyes. "She did that to me earlier, so kicked her off."

Hermione frowned. "Usually she goes under your bed when you do that." The bushy haired hair pointed out.

"She won't fit." The blond stated as if it was obvious.

Hermione looked at the cat in question, then back at Bree. "She's tiny, what do you mean she won't fit!"

Bree sighed. "There's no room, not with all the stuff down there."

"What stuff?" Hermione asked in confusion, the only things Bree usually had under her bed were Muffin's cat toys.

"Supplies." Bree explained.

Sensing that she wasn't going to get more of an answer, Hermione took a look for herself. She stared in confusion for a minute, before looking back at Bree.

"Bree," she began, a bit shocked and how surreal the situation was, "why are there medieval weapons and jars of food under your bed?"

"Well you can't honestly expect me to go unprepared for the Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse." Bree stated. Before rolling over and going back to sleep.

Hermione stared for a minute, then went back to bed hoping things would make more sense in the morning.

* * *

As it turned out things had not made anymore sense in the morning, so Hermione informed McGonagall of what was going on. The head of Gryffindor House found out that Bree had asked the house elves for non-perishable food items, which explained the jars of fruit preserves and pickles, and had taken some of the weapons from the suits of armor. But in addition to the pilfered weapons there were also two fire extinguishers, two baseball bats(one wood, one metal), a fireman's axe, and The Zombie Survival Guide. The food was returned to the kitchens, the weapons returned to the suits of armor, and the axe was confiscated. Bree was however, allowed to keep the bats, fire extinguishers, and The Zombie Survival Guide.

* * *

The next day Harry and Ron found Bree in the library. She was looking alternating between reading a book, and writing down notes.

"Working on your assignments?" Harry questioned, Bree was rather intelligent, in her own insane way. Maybe she be willing to help them with there assignments, as Hermione had been unwilling to.

Bree looked up. "Hm? Oh, no. I finished that already. This is my own project." she answered.

"You're doing extra work voluntarily!" Ron exclaimed, as if it was the most horrendous act in the world.

Bree shrugged. "Well, it's for safety's sake." she explained.

"Safety?" Ron repeated, confused.

Harry looked over Bree's shoulder in order to see what she was writing. "Hogwarts Emergency Plan: In Case of The Undead" was the title. Harry drew back.

"You know what Ron, I think we're better off not knowing."

* * *

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting alone in the common room, discussing Sirius Black, the Hogsmade weekends, and whether or not it would be safer for Harry to stay at the castle during them, when Bree walked in. She was holding some pamphlets. She spotted the three friends and walked over to them. She handed them each a pamphlet, then walked back out if the common room, presumably to hand out more.

The three left in the common room each looked at their pamphlet. They were titled "The Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse: What You Need To Know In Order To Avoid Becoming Zombie Chow." Hermione sighed, then got up.

"Where are you going?"

"To get Professor McGonagall."

* * *

A few days later, in the great hall, Harry was receiving some odd looks.

"Why are they looking at me like that?" Harry whispered to Ron.

Ron shrugged. "I dunno mate. Maybe it has something to do with Black?"

"So you two haven't heard?" came the voice of one of the twins from behind them.

Harry and Rom turned around to face Fred and George. "Haven't heard what?" Harry asked them.

"Why the latest rumor about our dear ickle Harrykins of course." answered Fred.

"Apparently Harry didn't survive the killing curse at all." explained George.

"If I didn't survive then how am I here?" Harry questioned.

"You came back from the dead as a Zombie of course." both twins stated at once.

Harry got up and began to exit the hall. "Harry, where are you going?" Ron asked, confused.

"To talk to Bree." was Harry's explaination.

* * *

The next day there were two list posted on the doors to the Great Hall one was "A List of those most liking to die in the Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse." The other was "A List of those most liking to survive the Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse." Next to the names were reasons why they would either live or die.

Draco was outraged to be on the most likely to die list because he was too dependent on other people. The Weasely twins were happy to be on the survive list. Apparently they were "mad geniuses." After it was discovered that Snape was on the survive list because "no one would ever want to consume that much grease, undead or otherwise", both list were taken down and Bree was given detention.

* * *

So, is Bree crazy, or is she just trying to distract people from the potential threat looming over their heads? Review please.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I don't own, so don't sue.

* * *

Thanks to all my reviewers, you are the reason I update.

* * *

381. The squirrels are not trying to take over the world.

382. The goblins are not working to enslave us all and steal our gold.

383. The first years are not there for my amusement.

384. Not allowed to straighten people's ties in such a way that it appears that I'm choking them.

- no matter how much it was bothering me.

385. Not allowed to teach the house elves to sing "It's a Small World After All."

386. Not allowed to steal pillows in order to build a fort in the common room.

387. No, the house teams do not need cheerleaders.

388. The Chamber of Secrets is not full of mountains of candy, and I not to send first years looking for it.

389. The fourth floor girl's restroom flooding is not incitement to panic.

390. Not allowed to send howlers to the Daily Prophet.

391. Not allowed to wonder aloud if Peter Pettigrew did anything to Ron while he was sleeping.

392. Not allowed to Hermione that she's not as smart as she things she is.

- nor am I to tell any Ravenclaws this.

393. Not allowed to test things for the Weasely Twins.

- especially if they don't me what is what is first.

394. I am not give Snape the contact information of Doctors I think can "help" him.

395. Not allowed to sit in across the street from the Dursley's house, with a very large German Sheppard, and grin demonically every time one of them comes out of the house.

396. Not allowed to fill Draco's trunk with vinegar and baking soda.

397. Not allowed to use Harry as a human shield.

398. Not allowed to forge a letter to Draco's parents telling them that he got a muggleborn pregnant.

399. Not allowed to breed parakeets in my dorm.

400. Not allowed to hoard shiny things.

401. The fact that I have Viking ancestors does not authorize me to build a longboat.

-especially not in the Great Hall.

402. I am not a ninja, they can see me.

403. Not allowed to start a polar bear club.

404. The Great Hall is not Valhalla.

405. Not allowed to teach the house elves to conga through the Great Hall.

406. The Great Hall does not need a new roof and I am to stop it with the fundraisers.

407. The chicken dance is not appropriate for the Yule Ball.

408. I am not a superhero.

409. I do not have Turrets Syndrome.

410. Not allowed to put narwhals in the black lake.

411. Not allowed to teach first years "The Ferret Song."

412. No random screaming.

413. Not allowed to steal everybody's left shoe, then toss the shoes into the whomping willow.

414. Not allowed to make my own "whomping" plants.

-especially not if I put them in the Dursley's yard.

* * *

Review please.


	9. Parakeets, spiders, and hallway terror

Disclaimer: I don't own, so don't sue.

* * *

Thanks to all my reviewers, you are the reason I update.

* * *

46. Parakeets can not be used to deliver the post.

122. I am not allowed to transfigure Ron's clothes into spiders.

- especially while he's wearing them.

125. Not allowed to stare at Draco Malfoy, laugh manically, then walk away.

* * *

It was a new day at Hogwarts, and the students were eating breakfast, when the post came. It was nothing unusual, until three parakeets came in. One was blue, one was green, and one was yellow. Suspended between the three birds was a letter. The parakeets landed in front of Harry. Harry untied the three brightly colored birds and opened the letter. It read as follows: "If you're reading this then it worked!"

No one was quite sure where the letter had come from. Then the parakeets flew over to Bree and she began cooing at them and feeding them millet. It became quite clear after that.

* * *

It was fourth year and Harry had just been entered as the fourth member of the tri-wizard cup. Ron was being a jerk about it. He was sure that Harry had entered himself and complained to anyone who would listen about how his best friend hadn't told him anything. Bree was getting fed up with it.

One day in the Great Hall she had had enough. Ron was complaining loudly to some Hufflepuffs. Bree quickly drew her wand and cast a spell. Ron was no longer complaining. Now he was screaming. This was probably due to the fact that he was in his underwear, covered in spiders.

Bree hopped up onto the closest table and made an announcement. "If anyone else has anything to say about the Harry Potter and the God damn tournament, keep it to yourself or face your worst fear like Ron over here" she gestured to the boy that was now fainted on the floor. No one said anything. Bree hopped off the table and stormed out of the hall.

* * *

Draco was walking down the hall to his next class, one of the few he didn't have with Crabbe or Goyle, when he felt like he was being watched. He turned and found Bree staring intensely at him.

"What do you want, mud blood?" he snarled at her.

Bree grinned in a terrifying way that looked a bit out of place on the Gryffindor. Then she began laughing. It was a horrible kind of possessed laughter that made Draco wish he wasn't alone in the hall with the girl. Suddenly the laughter cut off. Bree's face went blank. She turned a walked away. Draco stared at the girl as she disappeared around a corner, then quickly sprinted the rest of the way to class.

* * *

Who else thought that Ron was a jerk in the fourth book?

Also, anyone want to guess the year that Bree terrified Draco?

Review please.


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I don't own, so don't sue.

* * *

Thanks to all my reviewers, you are the reason I update.

* * *

415. Not allowed to periodically measure Hermione's head to make sure it won't explode from information overload.

- nor am I to do this to any Ravenclaw student.

416. Drinking large amounts of caffeine will not allow me to vibrate through walls.

417. Not allowed to deliberately lose house points.

418. Not allowed to steal Dumbledore's socks.

419. Not allowed to call Tonks Nymphadora.

-It's bad for my health. She is an Auror after all, I don't think my internals will ever be the same.

420. Not allowed to enlist Peeves' help in causing mayhem.

421. Not allowed to sneak into the prefects bathroom and fill the tub with green dye.

- or blue dye.

- or any dye at all.

422. Not allowed to steal Draco's mail.

423. Not allowed to send anonymous and bizarre threats to the Dursley's. (Example: I will come into your house at night and steal all your bacon.)

424. Not allowed to coat Draco in peanut butter while he sleeps.

425. Not allowed to scream "My eyes! For the love of God somebody rip them out!" when I see Ron in his formal robes.

426. No chainsaw juggling.

427. Not allowed to put laxatives into the Syltherins food.

428. Not allowed to play "scenes from the sorting hat."

429. Not allowed to tell wizard-born that the people in the T.V can see them.

430. Not allowed to ask the arithmancy teacher about "Happy prime numbers."

431. Not allowed to fill Lockhart's trunk with Cornish Pixies.

432. Not allowed to tell muggleborns that wizarding photos steal bits of your soul and that's why they move.

433. Not allowed to bungee jump off the astronomy tower.

434. Not allowed to break into song.

435. Not allowed to make a slip and side down the hallway.

* * *

Review!


	11. Die or  Survive

Here are the most likely to die/survive a zombie attack lists.

Bree and the lists are mine. The other characters and the incompetent morons song are not.

* * *

**A List of those most liking to die in the Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse.**

Draco Malfoy: Relies to heavily on others, namely, Crabbe and Goyle.

Vincent Crabbe: He's stupid, stupid people always go to see what that sound in the other room was instead of running.

Gregory Goyle: See above.

Pansy Parkinson: So annoying that people would throw her to the Zombies.

Professor Flitwick: Doesn't look like he would be able to run well. Running is essential for avoiding the undead.

Percy Weasely: Cares to much about order and would kill himself because of the anarchy.

All prefects: See above.

The rest of the Slytherins: Pampered purebloods not able to do things for themselves.

Ginny Weasely: Fangirl.

Dumbledore: He's pretty old, would probably just die in his sleep.

Most of Gryffindor: Morons who would die heroic, but gruesome, deaths for someone they barely know.

Most of the Ministry: Morons, these people are morons, incompetent morons, ladididi.

* * *

**A List of those most liking to survive the Upcoming Zombie Apocalypse.**

Fred and George Weasely: Mad geniuses.

Harry Potter: He's The-Boy-Who-Won't-effing-Die, do you really think Zombies can get him?

Ron Weasely: Dumb Luck.

Hermione Granger: Smart.

All of Hufflepuff: They stick together, safety in numbers.

All of Ravenclaw: Smart.

Professor Snape: No one would ever want to consume that much grease, undead or otherwise.

Professor McGonagall: Could hide as a cat, zombies don't like the taste of cat.

Professor Lupin: Best DADA teacher Hogwarts as ever seen.

Hagrid: Friends with a giant spider.

Bill and Charlie Weasely: Too awesome to die.

Bree Smith: Already preparing for the inevitable.

Professor Trelawney: Never leaves her tower. Zombies can't climb, except for that one movie where they were like, freaking spider zombies, but generally they lack the motor control needed for climbing.

* * *

review please


	12. A Very Demented Holiday Special

(Now with better editing!)

Bree is mine. The list is mine. The songs and the other characters are not.

* * *

127. "The Night Santa Went Crazy" is not an appropriate Christmas carol.

198. Not allowed to sit in Dumbledore's lap and read him my Christmas list.

- even if he finds it amusing.

304. "Santa Claus is Thumbing to Town" by Relient K is not an appropriate Christmas Carol.

- especially not in October.

407. The chicken dance is not appropriate for the Yule Ball.

425. Not allowed to scream "My eyes! For the love of God somebody rip them out!" when I see Ron in his formal robes.

* * *

Cedric was walking down the hall on the way to class when he heard a voice singing softly.

"_Down in the workshop all the elves were makin' toys, _

_For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys_,

_When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to deathHad a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath, _

_From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo, _

_Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo _

_And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye," _the next line was exclaimed "Merry Christmas to all - now you're all gonna die!"

Cedric turned a corner and saw who was singing. It was a Gryffindor third year. Bree, he believed her name was. She didn't notice him and kept singing her, rather demented, song, frightening the first years as they passed by.

"The night Santa went crazyThe night St. Nick went insane

Realized he'd been gettin' a raw dealSomething finally must have snapped in his brain"

She was grinning now."Well, the workshop is gone now, he decided to bomb it

Everywhere you'll find pieces of Cupid and Comet

And he tied up his helpers and he held the elves hostage

And he ground up poor Rudolph into reindeer sausageHe got Dancer and Prancer with an old German Luger

And… oh hi Cedric." she had finally noticed the Hufflepuff seeker.

"Hey um… Bree right?" Cedric inquired, deliberately avoiding the subject of the strange song the girl had been singing.

"Yep!" she exclaimed brightly, before frowning and tilting her head to the side.

"You know you wouldn't have won that last game if the dementors hadn't showed up." she commented. Cedric winced, he already felt guilty for not having noticed that Harry had fallen off his broom. "Well, we can't know for sure what would have happened."

"I suppose, but I still say Harry would have kicked your ass." Bree stated with a grin.

"We'll see at the next game." Cedric assured.

"I guess we will. Well time to get to class." Bree turned on her heel and walked away.

Cedric looked at watch. "I'm five minutes late!" he exclaimed. To bad that his class was potions, looks like Hufflepuff lost some house points that day.

* * *

Dumbledore was sitting at his desk in his office, when a student walked in. It was Bree Smith. She was carrying a piece of paper. She walked over and sat down in the headmasters lap, then she began reading off a list to the bemused man.

When she was done reading Dumbledore escorted the girl out of his office promising that he would see what he could do.

"What was that about?" asked Professor McGonagall, who had been about to enter the office.

"Ah, Miss Smith was just reading me her Christmas list." the Headmaster answered.

McGonagall sighed a shook her head. "Honestly, that girl."

* * *

A few days later it was Christmas. Bree had gotten a books, jewelry, candy, and, her favorite gift, pajamas from various family and friends, but still had yet to receive what had been on her list to Dumbledore. At dinner that evening Bree smiled when the food appeared. Sitting in front of her were several plates of Chinese food.

Hermione was on the way to the library when she heard someone singing.

"'Twas the night before ChristmasAnd up at the North Pole

Everybody's going crazyEverything's out of controlThe toy shop is on fire The toys melting on the shelves

And you can hear Mrs. Claus screaming"I warned you; never trust those elves!"

She turned the corner and found Bree singing."Unless something drastic happens fast

We'll say hello to the ghost of Christmas past

Because Rudolph's puking balls of hollyAnd Old Saint Nick ain't all that jolly

And the sleigh's in the shop 'cause it's broken down

But Christmas won't stop" "Bree what are you doing!" Hermione exclaimed, interrupting the chorus.

"Why getting into the Holiday spirit of course." the blond responded happily.

"It's October." Hermione stated dryly.

"And J.C Penny's already has Christmas decorations up. Now where was I… Ah yes. Very much to his disliking Santa spent all night hitchhiking

With a sign that reads, "Ho Ho! Slow down!"Santa Claus is thumbing to town" Bree turned and walked away as she continued to sing.

Hermione sighed in exasperation.

* * *

"Are you going to the Yule Ball?" Lavender asked Bree.

"I can only do one dance, and I'm pretty sure McGonagall would kill me if I did it." Bree answered with a sigh.

"It can't be _that_ bad." Lavender insisted.

Bree sighed, stood up, and proceeded to do the chicken dance. When she was done she looked expectantly at lavender.

"You're right. It was that bad." Lavender said in shock.

"Told you." Bree responded as she sat back down.

* * *

Ron had just walked down the stairs into the common room. He was wearing his dress robes and was on the way to the Yule Ball. "Come on. It won't be that bad." Harry assured is red haired friend.

"Easy for you to say, you're not the one wearing ruffles." Ron growled back.

"My eyes! For the love of God somebody rip them out!" came an exclamation from nearby. The two boys turned and found Bree standing by the fire place. One arm was covering her eyes, while the other flailed about in an attempt to shoo Ron away. Ron's face went red and turned and went back to his dorm. Harry sighed and looked over at Bree, who had now uncover her face and was bent over laughing.

"Was that really necessary?" he asked her.

Bree didn't answered right away. Finally, when she had calmed down enough she said "Sorry, but it looked like he'd been attacked by a blind seamstress."

* * *

If I ever turn this into a proper story, I will find a way to keep Cedric alive.

Review please!


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: I don't own, so don't sue.

* * *

Thanks to all my reviewers, you are the reason I update.

* * *

436. Not allowed to talk like Carol Channing.

437. The first years are not lower life forms.

438. If one of my dorm mates ask me if an outfit makes them look fat, not allowed to respond with "No, the fat makes you look fat, why blame the poor outfit?"

439. Not allowed to teach wizard born the storyline of the movie "It" as if it is fact.

- or any other horror movie.

440. Not allowed to race golf carts through the halls.

441. Not allowed to speak in rhyme.

442. Not allowed to tell Luna about Area 51 or government cover-ups.

443. Not allowed to charm the Halloween decorations to attack people.

444. Not allowed to charm the water in the shower to be freezing just to hear my dorm mates squeal.

445. Not allowed to give first years "The Talk."

446. Hogwarts is not a Democracy, so I can't be elected Headmaster.

447. Not allowed to talk about "Girl stuff" near any male.

448. Not allowed to tell first years that on Halloween one of them will be sacrificed for "The Greater Good."

449. Hogwarts is not a dictatorship, so I can't incite a revolution.

450. Not allowed to declare Peeves the official "Holiday Spirit."

451. Not allowed to tell people about the dietary habits of hagfish.

452. Not allowed to tell people that Draco is "In the closet."

-even if it's true because I trapped him in one.

453. I am not "The God from the Machine."

454. Not allowed to steal Percy's head boy badge.

455. Not allowed to speak in Huttese.

456. Not allowed to re-create the tablet from the movie "Night at the Museum."

457. Not allowed to take Sirius, in animagus form, to the vet.

458. Not allowed to start a cult focused around Harry.

* * *

Review Please.


	14. Cereal, Fakeblood, Electronics, and Hell

Bree is mine. The list is mine.

* * *

9. I'm not allowed to pay Seamus Finnegan to run through the Great Hall in a leprechaun outfit, holding a box a cereal, yelling "They're after me Lucky Charms!"

- Especially if I pay first years to chase him.

48. Running down the hallway wearing only my underwear, polyjuiced to look like Harry, and covered in fake blood while screaming "Help me! Help me! I just escaped from Snape's dungeon!" is frowned upon.

141. It is not possible to go into "Electronic Device Withdrawal."

233. Not allowed to greet new students by saying "Welcome to hell. There is no escape. Muahahahahaha!"

* * *

**Muggle Cereal Mascot**

It was dinner time in the Great Hall. There was a large amount of tension in the air do to the petrifaction of a few students and the rumors of Harry being the heir of Slytherin. Suddenly, Seamus Finnegan ran in. He was dressed like a leprechaun and holding a box of cereal over his head while yelling "They're after me Lucky Charms!" A few seconds later a group of first years ran in after him. A chase ensued.

The group ran around the Great Hall leaving chaos in their wake. At one point the first years divided into two groups to try to corner Seamus, but he caught onto they're plan and quickly climbed over the Hufflepuff table, spilling a bowl of mashed potatoes into Ernie Macmillan's lap. Seamus then ran out of the Great Hall, the first years not far behind him, leaving the teachers to restore order.

* * *

**Emphasis On "My"**

Bree observed the vial of potion she was holding with some distaste. She never did like drinking them, they always left a bitter taste in her mouth. But this particular potion was necessary for the prank she had planned. It was polyjuice potion, guaranteed to work or your money back. That's right, she bought it. What? Did you honestly expect her to brew it herself? Bree may be a lot of things, but patient is not one of them.

She had planned her route though the school, leaving some clothes in a safe place. She had some fake blood from a Halloween shop. She added some hairs to the potion, then drank it. Her body began to change shape. After a minute she herself looking just like Harry Potter. She quickly stripped down to her underwear and realized she had a dilemma. Harry was a boy, and she was still wearing female undergarments. She shrugged, it would just enhance the prank. She smeared the fake blood on the walked out into the hall and began running. She threw her hands into the air and screamed "Help me! Help me! I just escaped from Snape's dungeon!"

**Electronic Illness**

* * *

Bree was lying face down on her bed. It was Saturday and she had been like that for hours. Now and then she would make a pitiful moaning noise. Around lunch time Hermione approached her.

"Bree." she said in an effort to catch the girls attention.

"Mrrgh." the blond groaned.

"Bree you need to get up and go eat something." Hermione implored.

Bree turned her head, uncovering her face. "Don't feel good." she stated.

"Then you need to go to the hospital wing." Hermione stated bossily.

Bree sighed. "Won't help. I already know what's wrong." she explained.

Hermione frowned. "What would that be?" she asked.

"It's be weeks since I've been on the computer, or watched T.V, or played video games. I have Electronic Device Withdrawal." Bree explained in a depressed tone.

"That's not even possible!" Hermione exclaimed.

Bree pouted. "But Hermione, I need my devices. I can't even listen to a C.D here." she whined.

Hermione responded by firing a stinging hex at Bree which caused her to leap out of bed and flee from the dorm.

* * *

**Laughter**

Bree was in the common room, sitting on one of the couches after dinner. After a minute Percy walked in, followed by the new first years. Bree got up and approached Percy.

"Hey Percy, these all of our new first years?" she asked the prefect.

Percy eyed her with suspicion. "I didn't lose any, if that's what you mean." he stated tensely.

Bree smiled. "I didn't say that. It's just well… I hope this batch lasts longer then the last one." she sighed forlornly. Before Percy could ask what she meant she had turned to face the first years.

"Hello little firstes. Welcome to hell. There is no escape. Muahahahahaha!" she kept laughing as she walked up the stairs to her dorm. After she was gone one of the first years spoke up. "Mr. Percy, sir. Can we go to our dorm now? I have to change my pants."

* * *

Review please!


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: I don't own, so don't sue.

Thanks to all my reviewers, you are the reason I update.

* * *

459. Not allowed to shout "Kill it, kill it, with fire!" when cheering during the tri-wizard tournament.

460. Not allowed to toss people out of windows for "Throwing off my groove."

461. Not allowed to stockpile potions that turn people into animals.

462. Not allowed to invent words.

463. Umbridge is not a Nazi and I am not to give her the Nazi salute.

464. I do not have "Draco needs his butt kicked" senses.

465. Not allowed to tell people about "The Robot Uprising."

466. Not allowed to line the dorm with aluminum foil to keep the robots from finding me.

467. Not allowed to give out pamphlets with information about how to recognize "The Robot Uprising."

468. Not allowed to do anything just because I feel like it.

469. Aluminum foil hats can't stop people from reading my mind.

470. No one wants to know where I got the ostrich, but I am to stop using it to deliver the post and return it immediately.

* * *

This one is short, but I've been busy. It is Christmastime after all.

I've also been toying with the idea of turning this into a full story. Is that a good idea?

Review please.


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: I don't own, so don't sue.

* * *

Thanks to all my reviewers, you are the reason I update. And speaking of reviewers, here are some rules that two of them sent in, that I've decided to share with all you readers.

* * *

From LammySelfCJ

I am not allowed to start a paper chain at the front door of Hogwarts and string it throughout the entire castle.

Feeding ribbon to Crookshanks is not a good idea.

- Especially when he's trapped on Hermione's bed.

- That doesn't mean I can feed it to some other cat, either.

I am not allowed to transfigure Umbridge into a toad and introduce her to Trevor.

Dog treats and squeaky toys are not appropriate gifts for either Sirius Black or Remus Lupin.

I am not allowed to 'brighten' everyone's Hogwarts uniforms, no matter how interesting neon tie-dye is.

I am not allowed to save the poor basilisk from it's horrible fate and introduce it to Hagrid.

I am not allowed to charm a bottle of shampoo to follow Professor Snape around.

I am not allowed to pretend I am Cheese. Cheese is annoying to everyone but myself and it is bad for my health to annoy everyone but myself.

The same goes for the Llama Song.

And the Badger Song.

The Badger Song is not the Hufflepuff theme

The Hufflepuffs do not need a theme

Charlie the Unicorn is not appropriate Care of Magical Creatures study material.

* * *

From King Kazul

These rules are only just guidelines, really.

These rules are generally open to interpretation if one makes a convincing enough argument and are void under the following circumstances

a.) I really really had to do it.

b.) I really really felt like it.

c.) I really really felt like I had to do it.

Not so much rules or guidelines as suggestions...

* * *

Thank you LammySelfCJ and King Kazul for the rules.

* * *

Now here are a few more of my rules.

471. Not allowed to throw things at Seekers in order to "Keep them sharp."

472. Charlie Weasely has no association with Charlie the unicorn.

473. Not allowed to enlist help in performing the "Why is the Rum Gone? - Remix."

- or the "I've Got A Jar of Dirt Remix."

* * *

So I've started on making this a full story, but I can't decide if Bree should meet Fred and George on the train or Ron and Harry. What do you people think?

Review please.


	17. Chapter 17

I don't own, so don't sue.

* * *

Thanks to all my reviewers, you are the reason I update.

Had to reupload this, for some reason the words "to Ron" didn't load on rule 497.

* * *

Some more reviewer rules.

From peltra 1. Not allowed to speak parseltongue in potion class just because Snape is one letter away from 'snake'.

2. Not allowed to douse the minister of magic in chocolate and call him 'chocolate fudge'.

-no matter how many students are cheering

-not allowed to douse the minister of magic in anything else either.

- no dousing on anyone.

3. Not allowed to call Death Eaters 'fangirls of Voldie!'

4. Not allowed to kick Voldemort in the shins.

-not allowed to kick anyone, actually.

5. Not allowed to 'accidentally' turn Voldemort into a canary, and then say "Whoops! My wand slipped!"

6. Not allowed to introduce Voldemort to Muggle guns.

- or any other weapons.

7. Do not give Bellatrix any permission to f**k Lord Voldemort

* * *

From Nobody Understands

1.) No matter how much it amuses me, I'm not allowed to forge love letters to Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter

2.) I'm not allowed to stalk Colin Creevy and see how he likes it

3.) Hitting Professer Umbridge over to head with a house elf is never, EVER, acceptable.

4.) Not allowed to dress like Jigsaw and tell the first years that "I would like to play a game."

* * *

My rules

474. Not allowed to make a list of things I plan to do to "My moron neighbor who runs his wood chipper while people are trying to sleep" once I come of age.

475. Not allowed to build any of Leonardo De Vinci's flying machines.

- or war machines.

- No, they won't contribute to the fight against Voldemart.

476. If someone wakes me before noon on a weekend, not allowed to respond with "Is the school on fire?", "Are Death Eaters attacking?", "Has the Zombie apocalypse begun?", "Is it time to give the first years wedgies?", or "Go away or I'll hex you so bad you'll be in the hospital wing for life!"

477. Not allowed to give the first years wedgies.

478. Gringotts is not "The Labyrinth."

479. Not allowed to sing "Weasel Stomping Day" by Weird Al Yankovic when Draco is around.

480. Not allowed to organize a coup against the Minister.

481. The Minister is not a Zombie.

482. The Minister is not a robot.

483. The Minister has not been replaced by an alien.

484. Not allowed to send the Minister nuts so I can call him "Fudge with Walnuts."

485. Not allowed to dunk people's heads in toilets.

486. Bribing first years to hug Percy Weasely is wrong.

487. Percy does not need a hug.

- nor does he need to "get laid."

488. Not allowed to ask any Weasely "Is it true that your older brother likes dragons more than women?"

489. Charlie Weasely has nothing to do with "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."

490. Not allowed to forge letters to Draco's parents saying that he has eloped with Ginny Weasely.

- nor am I to forge letters to Ginny's parents saying the same.

491. Not allowed to sing the Batman theme song when Snape walks by.

492. Seamus Finnegan is not hiding gold under his bed.

- or in his pants.

493. Not allowed to trap Ron in a closet with Draco in order to see who will come out alive.

- not allowed to sell tickets to the above.

494. Not allowed to sing "The itsy bitsy spider crawled up Ron Weasely's robes…"

495. Not allowed to say "My eyes feel like they are going to explode" near Madam Pomfrey, no matter how much my head hurts. She will take me seriously.

496. Not allowed to say "Beam me up, Scotty" before apparataing.

497. Not allowed to sing "You're Dead to Me" by Dierks Bently to Ron.

- even if he his being a prat.

498. Not allowed to dump vats of melted chocolate on dementors in order to see if it will kill them.

- even if Professor Lupin thought it would work.

499. I am not a boggart animagus.

500. Not allowed to call Dumbledore a "Fruit Loop."

501. The penguins are not slowly stealing our sanity.

* * *

I've been working on making this a full story, but I'm hung up on the meeting on the train. I just can't get it to flow right. Any suggestions?


	18. Chapter 18

I don't own, so don't sue.

* * *

Thanks to all my reviewers, you are the reason I update.

To Coolgo: If Bree, The Master from Doctor Who, and Voldemort ever met The Master would be quickly annoyed by Voldemort and would destroy him, then proceed to take over the wizarding world. The Doctor would show up to stop him. Bree would end up on the TARDIS. She'd meet Jack. Get offended by Jack coming on to her and would A) shove his head in the nearest toilet, B) Hex him, C) Make jokes about "Captain Jack Sparrow/Harkness, or D) all of the above.

* * *

502. I do not have ties to the mafia.

503. Not allowed to tell Mad-eye about Transformers as if they are fact, he's paranoid enough as it is.

504. There is no house elf mafia.

505. Not allowed to tell first years that pants are optional.

-not allowed to tell first years that any part of the uniform is optional.

506. The Order of the Phoenix does not "Charge into battle naked, like the Celts" and I am to stop telling people that it does.

507. Not allowed to carry around a jar of dirt, periodically put my ear to it and ask "Where is the thump-thump?"

508. Not allowed to put a Horcrux inside a jar of dirt.

509. Not allowed to dress up the owls to look like Harry.

510. There is no goblin mafia.

511. Not allowed to tell Dean that American Football is better than European Football.

512. Not allowed to map the Weasely Twins freckles in order to prove that they're not identical.

513. Not allowed to charm inanimate objects to parade through the school.

514. Not allowed to recreate the D.C mini from the movie "Paprika." (The D.C mini allows you to enter people's dreams.)

515. Not allowed to have a pillow fight.

- especially if it involves charming the pillows to fight in gladiator style combat.

516. The Death Eaters do not have cookies.

517. Not allowed to replace all of Draco's clothing with a frilly pink tutu.

518. Oliver Wood is not psychotic when it comes to Quiddicth.

- McGonagall made this rule. It's a lie because she has the same problem as Wood.

519. Not allowed to sing songs from Sweeny Todd in the hall.

520. I do not Have the right to an attorney when given detention.

521. Not allowed to imply that it's Madam Pomfrey who's in charge of the school.

522. Not allowed to name any of my pets Percy just so I can say "Bad Percy. The rug is not your toilet."

- nor am I to name them Dumbledore.

- or Snape.

523. There is no nipple twisting hex and I am not to invent one.

524. Not allowed to tell first years that the sorting involves gladiator style combat.

525. Not allowed to tell Ron that he's the friend that nobody likes.

526. Tonks' parents did not "Flip a coin and decide to raise her as a girl."

527. Not allow to transfigure Draco's clothes into a French maid's outfit.

528. Not allowed to say "Don't drop the soap" when someone tells me that they are going to take a shower.

529. Not allowed to leave a pair of active omniculars in the boys shower, then sell them to the highest bidder.

530. Not allowed to leave cat toys on Professor McGonagall's desk.

* * *

Chapter One of "Bree's Hogwarts Experience", which is the spin off/companion of this fic, is up. Go read it and review it.

Review this story as well please!


	19. Chapter 19

I don't own, so don't sue.

* * *

Thanks to all my reviewers, you are the reason I update.

* * *

531. Not allowed to have a parakeet perch on my middle finger so that I can literally give people "The Bird."

532. Not allowed to play "catch" with the whomping willow.

533. I cannot summon the Legions of Hell and I am to stop threatening the Dursley's with them.

534. Not allowed to tell Draco "I may or may not have put a bomb in your kidney while you were asleep. Do you really want to risk it?"

535. The Weasley twins do not have wonder twin powers.

- nor do the Patil twins.

536. Not allowed to refer to Hufflepuffs as "Meat Shields."

537. We do not call Ron "The place where brain cells go to die."

538. The Ministry is not "Where logic goes to die."

539. When confronted by Voldemort it is unwise to stick my fingers in my ears and say "La la la. I'm not listening to the snake pedophile."

540. Not allowed to dress mannequins in the school uniform, place them in high traffic areas around the school, then have long conversations with them.

541. Not allowed to T.P the Slytherin common room.

- nor am I to T.P the Slytherins.

542. Not allowed to say "You're violating my bubble" to anyone.

543. Not allowed to say "Some people are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them" and then stare pointedly at Draco.

544. Not allowed to give the muggle studies students inaccurate information.

545. Not allowed to ask the arithmancy students to answer long, complicated math problems that have made up numbers in them.

546. Not allowed to ask purebloods "If your parents got divorced would they still be your cousins?"

- not allowed to gape when someone answers "Yes."

547. Not allowed to take my partner hostage in order to get out of potions early.

548. Not allowed to run a moonshine distillery.

549. Not allowed to tell first years about the muggle country "Imaginationland" and its capital city "LSD."

550. Not allowed to leave cans of tuna on Professor McGonagall's desk.

* * *

Review please!


	20. Chapter 20

Disclaimer: I own Bree and the rules. That's it.

* * *

A couple of rules from Nanchih

Go ahead and feed canary crèmes to Filch's cat. Highly distracting!Don't give Sir Nick one of the Twin's Headless Hats. Rethink that - do it!

* * *

My rules

551. When Snape is about to ask me a question, not allowed to say "Look, I know what you're going to ask me... For the last time, no, I will NOT go out with you."

552. Not allowed to pay Lee Jordan to dress in green spandex and tell people about "Flames of YOUTH!"

553. Not allowed to stand on the table during dinner and deliver Greg Proops' "America is England's fault" monolog.

554. Not allowed to transfigure Draco Malfoy's clothes into a playboy bunny outfit.

555. On a related note, not allowed to beg Snape to give me a memory wiping potion.

- Alcohol is not a memory wiping potion.

556. Not allowed to glue things to people while they're sleeping.

-or while they're awake.

- or while they're semi-conscious with a hangover.

557. Not allowed to manufacture signs of the apocalypse.

558. Not allowed to put vending machines in the school.

- not even the cool Japanese ones.

* * *

That's all I could think of for now.

Review!


	21. Chapter 21

Disclaimer: I thought we had established this-I do not own anything but Bree and the list.

* * *

Reviewer rules!

From StarSugarSweet

1. Do not set up little wind up toys to walk around the castle while I do and do not use magic to keep them walking.

-They will not be my 'Wind Up Army of Doom'

-They will annoy a lot of people.

-The twins will probably find it funny and try to make them work for them, which is a bad idea.

2. Trying to teach purebloods about those Japanese shows where people have weird powers and abilities is not ok.

-They will not get the point of them.

-They won't believe it is 'another form of magic'.

-It is a bad idea to show them and explain them to anyone full stop.

TKDgirl101

a. dragons are not like the ones in Eragon

B. there are no dragon riders

c. I should not tell first years to try to ride a dragon-or anyone else

d. left for dead does not descrip real life circumstances.

e. cows do not fly- no matter what ChaCha says (because they do say it)- the same goes for pigs

f. I am not allowed to post the rules from 'zombie land'

g. not allowed to turn George's skin pink in order to tell him apart from Fred

- or vise versa

* * *

My rules.

559. Now allowed to randomly sing "Entrails, entrails, falling from the sky."

560. Not allowed to hold my cat in front of my face and run around yelling "Get it off! Get it off!"

561. Not allowed to trip people who run in the halls.

562. Not allowed to shove my cat in people's faces and say "Sniff this!"

563. Not allowed to dress up as Harley Quinn and hit people with a mallet.

- or a rubber chicken.

564. Not allowed to dress up as the joker and threaten people with a crowbar.

565. Not allowed to sing the chorus The Plagues from the movie The prince of Egypt in the halls- it scares people. (Thus saith the Lord:/Since you refuse to free my people/All through the land of Egypt…/I send a pestilence and plague/Into your house, into your bed/ Into your streams, into your streets/Into your drink, into your bread/Upon your cattle, on your sheep/Upon your oxen in your field/Into your dreams, into your sleep/Until you break, until you yield/I send the swarm, I send the horde/Thus saith the Lord/I send the thunder from the sky/I send the fire raining down/I send a hail of burning ice/On ev'ry field, on ev'ry town/I send the locusts on a wind/Such as the world has never seen/On ev'ry leaf, on ev'ry stalk/Until there's nothing left of green/I send my scourge, I send my sword/Thus saith the Lord!)

566. Not allowed to talk like a house elf.

567. Not allowed to tell Harry "What doesn't kill you, usually succeeds on the second attempt." 568. Not allowed to tell the Slytherins that "Lately the only thing keeping me from becoming a serial killer is my dislike for manual labor."

568. Not allowed to sell my soul for a quarter.

- not even a really shiny one.

569. Not allowed to tell the Dark Lord that "Anagrams are cute."

570. Not allowed to teach death eaters to do an "Anime Villain Laugh."

571. Not allowed to give Snape a chia pet so that he can have some company.

572. Not allowed to send a copy of the evil overlord list to the Dark Lord.

- however a copy with all the rules reversed is acceptable. (ex. The hero _is_ entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, and any other form of last request.)

573. Not allowed to corrupt the house elves.

- or the first years.

- or the small children in Hogsmade.

574. Not allowed to tell Draco "Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean I'm not out to get you."

575. Not allowed to compare scars with Harry, he always wins.

576. Just because I'm not a morning person does not mean that I can tell people "I haven't had breakfast yet. Don't make me kill you.

577. Not allowed to tell muggleborns that Smurfs are studied in care of magical creatures.

578. Not allowed to start a group of muggleborn supremacists in order to rebel against pure-blood society.

* * *

That's all for now. If you like this you might like Bree's Hogwarts experience. Go read it after you review this chapter.


	22. Chapter 22

Reviewer rules.

From peltra

1. Not allowed to write in Riddle's diary just to 'have somebody to talk with2. Dobby is NOT Yoda in disguise.3. Not allowed to pinch Voldemort.4. Not allowed to freak Harry out by telling him that his real name was Luke Skywalker and Voldemort is his father.5. Not allowed to dress Snape in a pink frilly dress-Not allowed to dress Voldemort in a pink frilly dress either.-Not allowed to dress ANYONE in a pink frilly dress.

From AnGelIKRHthyM

1. This is not sparta.

2. Victory is not mine.

3. Clowns are my friends. They will not bite and then lock me in the closet.

4. There is no garden gnome conspiracy.

From Wetstar

Not allowed to put canary creams in Dumbledore's candy stashNot allowed to tranfigurise Hermione into a beaverNot allowed to ask Ron when he's going to get a life

* * *

My rules.

579. Not allowed to give Dumbledore a daily dose of reality.

- No he does not need it.

580. Not allowed to bring any ghosts from Gettysburg back with me.

- nor from any other haunted site.

581. There is no such thing as a "Limo broom"

582. Not allowed to make a flying limousine.

583. Not allowed to dig up Nearly headless Nick's body in order to properly decapitate him.

584. Not allowed to tell Ravenclaw's that the library is "Out of Order."

- even if I rearrange all the books so it really is.

- not allowed to rearrange the books.

585. I am not a school founder and therefore I am not allowed to charm the sorting hat to sort new students into the house of Smith.

586. Not allowed to toss first years into the Chamber of Secrets, "As an offering for the Basilisk."

587. Not allowed to tell anyone "You only think you're wearing pants, the truth is, we can all see your underwear."

589. May not call any ministry official immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime to their face.

- even if I'm right.

- even if they take it as a complement.

590. Not allowed to carry around a sock puppet and claim it's a new first year.

591. Not allowed to predict the end of the world in Divination class.

592. There is no mime conspiracy.

593. Not allowed to get a box of Mike and Ike's and ask Hermione to help me remove all the Ike's.

594. Not allowed to tell Durmstrang students that "In America everyone has a nuclear missile silo under their house."

595. Not allowed to place a lethargic black rat snake on the staircase leading down to the Slytherin dorms.

596. "Crunchy pickles are good pickles" is not a Quidditch chant.

597. Not allowed to coat bars of soap with icy-hot then leave them in the showers.

598. Not allowed to tell people that "Lug-nuts live in my brain."

599. If I'm going to talk to the first years I should learn their names, not just call them all "Hey you!"

600. Not allowed to fake a stomach ache so I can take a nap in the infirmary.

* * *

**We have now reached the milestone of the 600 rule mark. Wow. I must really have a demented mind.**

**Review please!**


	23. Chapter 23

Disclaimer: If the Harry Potter series was mine, things would be a lot more insane.

* * *

Reviewer rules.

From Wetstar.

Not allowed to run into the middle of the Quidditch pitch during a game, point at the players and scream "It's a miracle!"

Not allowed to bribe first-years to hug Voldemort

Not allowed to burn Hermione's homework the morning that it's due

From peltra.

1. I must not dress up as Kaitou Kid and bounce around to steal people's diamonds.

2. I must not wear a red hood and go out to granny's house.

3. do not ask Snape to lend you some of the grease in his hair since you ran out of oil.

4. Not allowed to wield a huge claymore and kill someone.

5. not allowed to turn Harry into a Pikachu.

-not allowed to turn Ginny into a Jigglypuff either,

-not allowed to turn ANYONE into a pokemon.

6. not allowed to put spiders in Ron's shampoo bottle.

- not allowed to put anything in Ron's stuff

* * *

My rules.

601. Not allowed to tell people to "Man the harpoons" whenever I see Harry's uncle or cousin.

602. Not allowed to tell first year muggleborns that they're not wizards, they're in a coma and the only way to wake up is to defeat Dumbledore in battle.

603. Not allowed to call death eaters "Scary sheep."

- nor am I allowed to "Baa" at them.

604. Not allowed to call death eaters "Lemmings."

605. Not allowed to ask death eaters "If Voldemort ordered you to jump of a cliff, without a broom, wand, or cushioning charm at the bottom, would you do it?"

606. Just stop talking to the death eaters.

607. Not allowed to speculate on which of the Weasley twins is the evil one.

- or the Patil twins.

608. Not allowed to glue tulips to the first years claiming it's part of my herbology assignment.

609. Not allowed to tell anyone "I like you...when I destroy the world you shall be the last to die."

610. Not allowed to claim that I can see fish swimming in my crystal ball during Divination.

611. Not allowed to build a fort in the great hall out of books.

612. I will not nail Professor Trelawney's trapdoor shut.

613. Not allowed to eat chocolate frogs in front of Trevor.

614. Not allowed to set Trevor and Umbridge up on a date.

615. Not allowed to tell the wizard-born that I-pods are seed pods filled with human eyes.

616. When asked why I torment first years not allowed to answer "A little childhood trauma builds character."

617. Hogwarts doesn't need to have a fire drill.

- or an earthquake drill.

- or a tornado drill.

- and especially not an "OMG Zombies are attacking!" drill.

618. When I am assigned lines I am not allowed to put in alternate ones like "I will burn down the school" or "Goblins eat small children" to see if anyone notices.

619. Not allowed to tell the psychological evaluator that he needs to find a real job.

620. Not allowed to parade around the school when I pass my psychological evaluation.

* * *

So I need a bit of help, I can't decide what Bree's Boggart should be and it kind of important for the next chapter of Bree's hogwarts expeience. Ideas?

Review Please!


	24. Chapter 24

**Alright, I figured out what Bree's boggart is, you can read about it chapter 14 of my other story "Bree's Hogwarts Experience." Also, there have been 5,000 hits, well a little more than that now, for this story Yay!**

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Reviewer Rules

OTFj 'OHpfJ

- Never sing Rudolph the red nosed death eater in front of Rdolphus Lestrange

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From Wetstar

-Not allowed to print off the list of "150 things I'm not allowed to do at Hogwarts" and give it to the Weasley twins to use as a checklist

-Not allowed to tell Dobby that Harry wants him to put Devil's Snares beside everyone beds except for mine

-Not allowed to enchant a neon sign with flashing lights and the words "THE AMAZING BOUNCING FERRET" to follow Malfoy around

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My rules

621. I am not allowed into greenhouse six.

622. Not allowed to throw a rave in the dungeons.

623. Not allowed to play real life dungeons and dragons,

624. Not allowed to introduce myself as "Hellcat. Devourer of souls."

625. "Tell Dumbledore exactly what I think of him then stupefying and using him as a shield" is not what we do if there's a Death Eater attack

626. Not allowed to address Dumbledore as "Hokage-sama."

627. Not allowed to address to Fudge as "Danzo."

628. Aurors are not "Anbu."

- nor are Unspeakables "Root."

629. Dark wizards are not "Missing-nin."

630. No Politian is to be called a "leech."

- especially where they can hear me.

- nor am I to call them "ticks."

- just stop comparing them to parasites.

- or bottom feeders.

- or any kind of animal, at all, ever. Muggle, fictional, or magical, just stop.

631. Not allowed to stare at a dragon in awe and say "I could destroy the entire Ministry of Magic with that thing."

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review please


	25. Chapter 25

Reviewer rules

InsaneGummiBears

1. I am not allowed to send giants after spiders so they can "See how they like it".

2. Draco Malfoy is not gay, nor am I to ask or replace his robes with pink fluffy dresses

-No I cannot replace them with thongs either3. I am not to enchant Draco Malfoy so that his blood is made of mud just so he'll stop with the "Mudblood" names already

4. I am not allowed to send Bellatrix a thong and say it was from Voldemort.

-Nor can I do the opposite

5. Fluffy isn't interested in playing with the first years

-Especially if I wake him up from naps to do so

AnGelIKRHthyM

1. I do not own a death note. I am to refrain from writing down the names of names of Slytherines, professors, and various members of the ministry and then their gruesome deaths afterwards

Wetstar

- Not allowed to call Dumbledore Albus to see if he really will expell me- Not allowed to hangglide- Not allowed to steal Dumbledore's candy- Not allowed to give the Weasley twins energy drinks- Not allowed to go to the Hufflepuff table and say "What the hell is a Hufflepuff"

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My Rules

632. Not allowed to offer to grease the doorway for Harry's Uncle Vernon or cousin Dudley.

- not matter how fat they both are.

- not allowed to offer to widen the doorways either.

633. Not allowed to tell Draco "If you're so jealous of Harry's scar, why don't you just get your own."

- not allowed to offer to give Draco a scar.

634. When the Gryffindors have a class with the Slytherins I am not to shout "Group hug!" and then enforce it.

- it does not promote inter-house unity.

635. Not allowed to fake an unnatural fear of Professor Snape in order to avoid his class.

636. Not allowed to speculate on the flavor of owl meat.

637. Get off the ceiling.

638. When Snape calls on me to answer a question not allowed to say "I don't know, I just wanted to reveal a secret of life. You suck at it."

639. Not allowed to grin manically at Snape.

640. Not allowed to look excited when Snape is about to drink his pumpkin juice, and disappointed when he puts it down without taking a sip.

641. Not allowed to insist that the twinkle in Dumbledore's eyes is really just a little man turning the lights on and off inside of his empty head.

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Review please.


	26. Chapter 26

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, but*pulls out net* one day I will capture a niffler and together we will make all of your shiny things ours!

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Reviewer rules

From Wetstar

-Not allowed to become friends with the Giant Squid-Not allowed to call Quirrel Squirrel

-Not allowed to order the House elves to only send up candy

From AnGelIKRHthyM

1. Not allowed to introduce the madness that is fanfiction to first years.

2.I do not have veto power.

not what she said. Or he said.

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My Rules

642. Not allowed to go around the school with a cart and a bell, yelling "Bring out your dead!"

643. If I ask "Will chapter (insert number here) be on the test?" and the answer is no, not allowed to rip the pages out and little origami animals with them.

644. Not allowed to fish out of my caldron during potions.

645. Not allowed to hold a light bulb over Hermione's head whenever she raises her hand to answer a question.

646. Not allowed to roast dolls dressed to look like people I don't like on a spit.

- nor am I allowed to burn them at the stake.

- no doll burning.

647. Not allowed to re-enact D-Day at the lake.

648. Not allowed to make dolls out of clay then act out their violent dismemberment during class.

649. Not allowed to tell Umbridge that "They're coming to take you away, ha-ha."

650. Not allowed to dress the first years to look like the Joker.

651. Not allowed to turn Umbridge's office into a pond so that "She'll feel more at home."

652. Not allowed to glue rubber fish to the walls.

653. Not allowed to ask arithmancy students to divide by zero. (Note: Division by zero is impossible. If anything was in fact divided by zero the apocalypse would ensue.)

654. Putting on a pair of sunglasses before casting obliviate does not make me a member of the MIB.

655. Not allowed to paint my cat's paws and make paw prints on the walls.

656. Not allowed to fill my dorm with Elf Owls, no matter how cute they are.

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Review Please!


	27. Chapter 27

Just realized that rules 657 and 658 acidentilly got put under reviewer rules. Fixed it.

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Reviewer rules

Wetstar

-AM ABSOLUTLY, UNDER NO CONDITION, ALLOWED TO TRAP RON IN ARAGOG'S HOME!

-Not allowed to set the dormitories on fire-Not allowed to set the Divination classroom on fire-Not allowed fire

-Not allowed to invite Peeves to the Yule ball.

the-poetry-of-ink

1: Not allowed to use the dead serious pun around Harry (Dead Sirius)

2: Not allowed to charm annoying oranges to follow Snape

3: Not to modify the lyrics of It's Friday by Rebecca Black to It's Die-day and serenade Snape

4: Not allowed to tell Hermione that the Lie-brary is filled with lies

5: Not allowed to give Hermione an oppa-hock (shave the middle only)

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My rules.

657. Not allowed to tell Luna about Slide-Rock Bolters.

658. I am not to introduce myself to Ministry workers by saying "Hi, my name is Bree Smith. I'm a political headache waiting to happen."

- nor am I to introduce myself to foreigners in this fashion.

659. Not allowed to teach First Years American Folklore like it's historical fact.

660. Not allowed to wear a turtleneck for the express purpose of stuffing my cat into it, so that it looks like I have a cat head, so that people think I've had a horrible transfiguration accident.

661. Not allowed to place angel statues around the school, move them around when people aren't looking, then warn the students not to blink.

662. Left 4 Dead is not a training simulation.

663. If it happened on Mythbusters, I can't do it at school.

664. There is no buried treasure at the bottom of the lake, and I am to stop sending first years looking for it. The mer-people are getting upset.

665. Not allowed to have the house elves help me make the world's largest anything in the great hall.

666. Not allowed to act out the entire book of Revelation on school grounds.

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In regards to rule 657. Slide-Rock Bolters: they're a Colorado myth. I found the story on , here's a bit of the tale "Way up in the mountains of Colorado lurks the slide-rock bolter. This creature has a huge head, slits where its eyes should be and a wide mouth with long, sharp teeth. The diet of the slide-rock bolter is Colorado tourists." I've found that there are quite a few mythical American creatures that I could bring up in conversation and sound just as loony as Luna.

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Well, What started as 88 rules has reached 666 rules and a spin-off fanfic. I'm done with rules for Hogwarts. Mostly because Bree won't be at Hogwarts for Seventh year… She'll be causing chaos elsewhere, possibly crossing over with some other fandoms, once I figure out what will fit and how to move the plot along… Suggestions?

Review!


	28. Chapter 28

**Alright, so I've noticed a bit of discontent among the masses, and I would like to say, while this is the end of the rules, it is not the end of all the humor my mind has to offer. You see, Bree's Seventh Year will be spent running from Death Eaters. Not just in England, but around the world. Mostly because I feel like writing an insane road trip and some crossovers. I need you guys to suggest some fandoms for Bree to bring her own brand of crazy into so review or pm. The new story will be called "Tips For Fleeing Death Eaters."**


	29. The lost rules

Auctor pointed out that I'm missing a couple rules. So here they are.

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108. Not allowed to say "British food takes the scraps that the rest of the world throws out and either bakes it in a pie or stuffs it into a sausage." in front students from other schools.

111. The English language does not ambush and mug others languages.

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Please tell me if there are any other "lost" rules, also sequel up, yay!


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